It is often said that one of the serious problems of parents today is that we are very overprotective. Then overprotection is defined as any act that involves giving a lot of love to children, not letting them cry and not forcing them to do things they do not want. Something like spoiling children a lot and avoiding all evils.
Within that definition there are some pitfalls, because spoiling everything, or allowing them to do everything they want, can be a terrible idea, but giving them lots of love and not forcing them can be tremendously beneficial, so they are mixing concepts that seem like a sum of bad practices when not all of them are.
Now, if there is something that is usually lacking in the definition of overprotective parents, or that I think is not given enough emphasis, it is the act of doing things for the child when he is already able to do them, because this way we take less . Come on, what we would define as Butlers to finish before they did.
"He knows, but I do it"
In the nursing office they tell me often. One of the ways to know if a child is having a correct psychomotor development is to ask if he is capable of doing many things. If you take little things when you are little, if you take food to your mouth, if you take the spoon, if you walk with a glass of water and do not spill it, if you are able to take off your clothes, if you are able to put on simple clothes, such as pajamas and, when he is older, if he dresses alone.
Well, many times parents don't know how to answer the questions because they don't know if their children are able to do it:
- "What if the food is brought to the mouth? I don't know, we don't let it, we are afraid it will be attractive, we feed it."
- "What if he takes the spoon? I don't know, we have not tried it. We give it to him because when he has tried he has become lost."
- "What if he carries a glass and doesn't spill the water? I don't know, just in case I don't let him"
- "What if he knows how to put on his pajamas? I think so, but he is very lazy and I put it on.
- "What if he knows how to dress alone? Yes he knows, yes. But I see him because that's how we go faster.
Thus, impossible for them to become autonomous
And it is true, we go faster and safer when we do it. They do not stain, do not throw anything, we do not run the risk of putting a shirt upside down and then, anyway, we have to take it off to put it back on the right side. We finished before. But nevertheless, What does the child learn? Because if we talk about a baby of months, there is no other, he is not able to do any of that and we are the ones who should do it. But if we talk about an older child, and capable of doing so, why not leave him?
It is clear that the first one will not work out great, but due to age, many children have the capacity and all they need is training, doing things for themselves and seeing failures and possible solutions. But this is if we leave them, of course, because if not, they learn nothing and all they expect is Some adult come to do it for them.
Then, at that time, parents became his butlers. Adults at the service of children in routine aspects that they can do perfectly, but "calm dear, that dad knows how to do it" and "wait, I do it faster." And perhaps parents even think that they are doing their children a favor when what they are doing is losing their desire to do things for themselves.
That they lose the desire?
Exactly, I said that. Most children, at six months, are already taking things to put them in their mouths. Most, as soon as they are able to grab a spoon, they want to make the gesture. Most, as soon as they can, want to take the water bottle and pour a little into a glass. Most, as soon as they can, try to put on a piece of clothing. The desire to learn have them. Another thing is that we allow them to learn.
That I do not say that you have to let a 2-year-old child put on the water alone, because it is clear that you are going to pour the water into the glass, the table and the floor, but you can take the bottle with it and do it together. And with 4 or 5 years, if the bottle is not very full, you will surely be able to do it alone, if you leave it.
That I do not say that with 3 years you have to dress only by raising zippers and tying buttons, because you will not be able to, but surely you can put on some pants on your own initiative and you will already lend a hand if you have put both legs in the same leg of the pants.
That I do not say that with 2 years I have to go down the stairs only, because you can fall on your face, but surely you can go hand in hand just in case it falls, and go down one by one, as it does well, in instead of picking him up to get down faster because it seems like you never finish.
Accompanying them on the road is not doing everything
That our mission as parents is to act as an example and guide so that they know a little how we live and from us, and what comes from the rest of the world (what we call socialization), learn how to live. We are your companions, but not your butlers. We do things for them, while they are not capable. We do them with them while they learn. But once they know, despite not being experts, it is they who have to have the opportunity to make them, and even the opportunity to make mistakes. How else are they going to learn?
Help him, make it easy, adapt your home
Surely now many parents are realizing that, in a way, they are the stewards of their children. You want to remedy and you don't know how. Well, one principle is to make it easy, adapting your house so that children have a small sub-house. I talked about this a year ago, but I comment again because it seems fundamental.
If a child already knows how to put on pajamas, pajamas must be within reach. It makes no sense that in the lower drawers we have towels and sheets, for example, or street clothes, which do not know how to tie it, and the pajamas are where they do not reach. They should have it close so that after the bath, or before bedtime, or whenever we put on all our pajamas, you can say "come on, put on your pajamas", or if you don't want to be so imperative "we all wear pajamas, you just miss" .
It makes no sense that your son is able to use only the water and drink from a glass and have the glasses in a tall closet, where he does not arrive, and where he has to call you to give it to him and, by the way, put water on him . It makes no sense that you know how to brush your teeth and do not reach the brush or paste. It does not make sense that you know how to dress and do not get to the clothes, that you know how to comb and the comb is in a high drawer, that you know how to put the underwear and do not have it within reach, that you know how to lather and do not reach the soap , etc.
As we see that they know how to do things, because if we leave them alone they learn to make them, we have to approach the possibility of continuing to do it according to their possibilities. So, when they say "can you put me a glass of water?", We can say "serve yourself, honey, you have the glasses on that shelf and the water next to you." That then, as in everything, you do not have to be papists, if you have the glasses and the water next to you and you can, you do it in the same way that other times you will ask a favor for being closer than you to something, but equally of conditions, or having them easier and closer, it makes no sense to ask us, unless we have decided to be your butlers because that's how we ended up before and we go faster. So yes, keep counting on us for everything, but then let's not call them lazy or jokers.
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