When a few months ago we presented the issue of bullying in all its complexity, we decided to complement the issue with two articles on empathy and decision making. We did this because we believe that as social beings that we are, empathy plays an important role in the relationship with others, and because we believe that learning to make decisions helps us mature.
Well, let's talk about the second aspect. Making decisions is something we do very often (surely more times than we are aware of). Let the coffee cool or not before drinking it, season with pepper or nutmeg, brush the cat now or this afternoon, take the umbrella or not, talk today or not with our friend to resolve a difference that has arisen etc.
It is clear that not all of them have a marked impact on the future, but it is also clear that human beings have the potential to take some control over our actions, over our lives, and we should not miss it.
Why should kids learn to 'make decisions'? (or rather, why shouldn't we inhibit that natural process?). Because there will come a day when they must take care of themselves and 'manage' in society as autonomous and responsible beings (with themselves and with others). Also, because it won't always be as easy as' Do I wear shorts or long pants? 'Do I prefer yogurt or milk for breakfast?' Surely there will come a day when questions such as' José and Ricardo are going to leave the Institute to drink beer, will I go with them or do I stay preparing the exam? 'Or' the group leader does not admit Marta because she says that she is fat, but I like her, do I tell her that I prefer to go with her to the movies? '
Parents must be willing to act as guides to teach children, and yes, "I said as guides", because I am convinced that our 'authority' must be based on experience and love ... not on superiority.
The children must know what is the use of making decisions, and that all the decisions that are made are not adequate, also that by making mistakes we enrich our baggage ... and much more. But they also need 'more practical applications' that help achieve the intended objective
How can we help you?
- With our example: Natural learning is very effective, especially if we share with you aspects of our lives that you don't know much about. We all make erroneous decisions and assume the consequences, they all call us on the phone to invite us to a dinner or to sell us an iron, they all ask us for favors ... Sometimes it is good to involve children in the reasons why we have acted a certain way, or how we feel to be wrong.
Decisions are made taking into account the information available, and our own needs, but sometimes we can also make a 'projection' of the future in relation to the consequences that the decision may have taken.
- Allowing you to make decisions, provided they do not interfere with your health or physical integrity, and also let you assume the consequences. Examples: 'If a child decides to choose the gift for his friend - we will have made clear the economic margin -, and choose something we do not like', we should let him follow because later it may happen that it is the best gift that the entertained has received '.
'Or if a child insists on going down the stairs of the school by dragging the backpack and the car is broken (we had already told him that if he broke it, he would have to pass the rest of the course without him), he may not have another see you next year'
Reflecting on the consequences on a bad decision, and talking about how to change it in the future.
Role Representation: there are children who need their parents to be willing to 'stage' situations, this happens especially in complicated issues such as having to talk to the teacher to ask him to give us more time for work, find a partner to communicate that he is not going to yield more to your pressures.
That is sometimes what they ask us is to represent the roles in a different context and location, to be able to observe themselves 'in action'
Let's be understanding: Nobody likes to be told 'I already told you not to give too much data in the report, the boss wants you to repeat it because he prefers you to be more concrete'. Actually when something goes wrong you don't need to be reminded, but someone does encourage us.
Let's show options but let's not point out any as the best, this is difficult because it is very tempting to settle the issue indicating exactly what they should do. But when a child must make a decision and it is blocked, we can sit with him and indicate possible exits.
If our little one knows that a school boy harasses another during recess, and thinks that this is wrong, what could he do ?, he wants to act but is not decided. Then we will see what would be easier (and safer) for him and evaluate the effectiveness he would have: talk to the teacher, encourage the victim to tell his parents, take the harassed hand and get him out of the situation, ask him to your own parents to let the management know
- Love them despite their mistakes, and show them that we trust them. Also encourage them to keep trying to find solutions to their problems.
To the extent that parents allow the options with 'the ones that play' children to expand as they grow, they they will feel safer. They will also become more competent people with themselves and with others.
